Compassion isn’t a DBT skill that we teach in Family Connections. Strictly speaking, it isn’t a DBT skill at all. 

Initially I didn’t think much about compassion. I was interested in understanding my daughter’s behavior. How is it that such an intelligent person makes choices that, to me, seem so maladaptive? Why does she become so dysregulated over things that I think of as minor? What does she see in some of these ‘friends’ of hers? Why does she spend money that she knows she doesn’t have?

I love this young woman. And I believe that she loves me. So how is it that she says and does things that cause so much pain to others whom she loves? On some level, I know that she understands the effect that she has on others. So why act that way? 

Many of us believe that, when someone we love is very angry or upset, it must be our fault somehow. At least, that’s what I was taught. One friend even said to me, “She never acts that way with me. You must be doing something to cause that behavior.”

Then I encountered NEA BPD, and Family Connections. I began to understand her behavior better. And understanding her behavior better was a game changer for me – and for her.

We are taught that people are responsible for their behavior. And they are, of course. What we aren’t taught is that people who are sensitive to things that we can ignore or miss can become enormously upset by those seemingly minor things. And when the limbic system takes over, the prefrontal cortex just goes off line, sometimes for long periods of time. So the behavior that ensues is coming from a really primitive part of the brain, one that (thankfully!) we don’t encounter often.

I started to realize that I really didn’t understand much of what was going on in my daughter’s brain. Initially I thought that made me a ‘bad’ mother; how could I not understand what she was thinking and feeling?

Then I started ‘what-ifing’. What if it is ‘normal’ that I can’t understand what she is thinking and feeling? What if I am not a ‘bad’ mother; what if, instead, the paradigm I’m following doesn’t apply to our relationship? And if not, why not? I started to toss out my judgments in favor of curiosity. Aha, I realized, now I’m onto something.

I sat in the subway one morning on the way downtown. I realized that I was looking at a woman sitting across from me, and judging her socks, which I thought did not match her outfit. Then I thought, “Why am I wasting my time judging a stranger’s socks? What possible difference does it make what this stranger wears? I have better things to do with my time and attention.” So I started to make a point of being mindful, noticing when I was judging, and putting it aside, if it made no difference to my life (which was often the case).

Once I started to put aside judging, I started to notice more compassion emerging, naturally. I watched the news coverage of the Oklahoma City bombing as I was getting dressed, and burst into sobs hearing about the children who were killed. I didn’t know any of them, or their parents. I’d never even been to Oklahoma City. But I felt such compassion for those strangers who were impacted by this horrific act. And for the bomber as well: what kind of a life had he led, that he could do such an ugly thing?

Thinking about the bomber led me to think about myself. I could rattle off all the mistakes I had made, big ones and small ones, going back years. Yet I struggled to recognize my accomplishments. Why was I so hard on myself? I was lacking self-compassion. I needed to build up that muscle, both for myself, and so that I could summon compassion for my daughter.

Perry Hoffman was one of the most compassionate people I ever met. She asked if I would lead a Family Connections group with my husband. We agreed to give it a shot. After the first class, we got into the car, headed home, and called Perry. We apologized profusely, telling her that the people in that group were suffering severely, and that we lacked the therapeutic skills to help them. Her response was: “Just follow the manual, Chris. It works.”

So we did follow the manual. And I have been teaching Family Connections ever since. Yes, the manual works. And the main reason why it works, I believe, is because once you start to practice the skills, and put aside your judgments, you develop compassion, both for those with the disorder, and for those in their families. Balancing that dialectic is a challenge that isn’t always easy. But each time I sit down with a new group of family members, I remember what it was like before I took Family Connections, when I was judgmental and angry. I know that doesn’t work. And I know that compassion wins out in the end, every time. NEA BPD is filled with people who feel enormous compassion. Just ask them.