I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) at the age of 36, while participating in a partial hospitalization program at a psych hospital. I had never heard of BPD before I was diagnosed. But once I knew what it was, suddenly my life and what I’d been through made so much sense. I had been married, from the age of 20 to 32, and when I look back to that, I was definitely showing strong signs of BPD. I had an intense fear of abandonment, fits of rage with blackouts, extreme mood swings, and risky and impulsive behaviors. Romantic relationships I had after that were more of the same. I just wanted someone to love me unconditionally. But I never found that.

I also had a terrible work history, having either quit or been fired from every job I’d had and never lasting at a job more than a year. Some lasted only a day. I believe that life is short and why stay at a job I knew wasn’t a good fit for me. At that point I’d had too many jobs to count. Both my therapist and my psychiatrist thought it would be a good idea for me to apply for disability for my BPD. At that time I had a caseworker, and they helped me apply. I applied for disability in March of 2017. I was told that while waiting for SSA’s decision, I could not work. The problem with that was that I still had to pay my rent and bills. I had to think of creative and innovative ways get the money I needed for all my bills. I did some things that I am ashamed of doing but that did help me and my three children to survive. I am a single mother to three daughters.

There is a lot of misinformation about BPD and disability online, especially on social media. I am in many BPD groups on Facebook and I often see posts where someone asks about disability. People will comment things like “you can’t get disability for BPD,” or “everyone gets denied the first time.” These statements are not true, so I take time to help stop the spread of misinformation. You CAN get disability for BPD, though there are strict criteria to get approved. I gave Social Security all of my mental health records along with letters from mental health professionals recommending that I get approved for disability.

It was a long process and a lot of filling out forms, but, finally, after waiting nine months to hear from Social Security, I got their decision. I was approved for disability! A few days later I received a large back pay check. With that money I decided to start an organization to help others with BPD. This was the silver lining. Always look for the silver lining!

About the Author: Amber Joy Kostecki is an artist, an altruist, and founder of three mental health nonprofits. She serves on the NEABPD Lived Experience Committee because it is her life’s purpose to help others.