A BPD diagnosis requires the presence of any five of nine symptoms. Let’s explore the variables:

Efforts to Avoid Abandonment. Rejection or abandonment, whether it is real or subjectively perceived, can be intensely painful for a person with BPD (pwBPD). The person might go to extreme lengths to avoid it: this could take the form of clinginess (like frantic people-pleasing) or proactive withdrawal (“You can’t fire me–I quit!”).

Unstable and Intense Relationships. The usual pattern is for the pwBPD’s feelings to oscillate between extremes of “idealization” and “devaluation.” Here is how I sometimes experience those extremes:

• Idealization: I love you. I adore you. You are amazing. You are my everything.
• Devaluation: I hate you. I can’t stand you. You disgust me. I’m better off without you.

Unstable Self-image. Even without BPD, figuring out “who you are” can be a herculean task. A pwBPD may feel like they don’t know what they want, what they value, or what would make them happy. This person may find identity in others, like a romantic partner, best friend, or role model. I, personally, could be found listening to Dead Kennedys and dressing like a punk when I was dating one. As soon as we broke up, I stopped listening to that kind of music and wearing those kinds of clothes.

Self-injury. Recurrent self-mutilation or suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats.

Impulsivity. In two (or more) areas that are potentially self-damaging, such as shopping, gambling, sex, substance use, reckless driving, or binge-eating.

Unstable Mood. This symptom is the reason that BPD is often confused with bipolar disorder. The difference? BPD “mood swings” last minutes or hours (sometimes days) while bipolar “mood swings” last days or weeks (sometimes months).

Feeling Empty. IYKYK.

Intense Anger. The symptom underlies the oft-portrayed stereotype of pwBPD: throwing tantrums, desks, etc. I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t smashed a mug or two, but more often than not, my anger is directed internally: heart-pounding, stomach-twisting, and exhaustion-inducing. Anger in pwBPD is not different from that in the general population in the sense that it usually arises to mask a different, more difficult emotion like sadness or fear.

Paranoia or Dissociation. This is usually transient, stress-related, and severe when it arises.

There can be 256 different combinations of BPD symptoms. Though there are common threads, BPD is a unique experience for every individual.

About the Author: Saadia is a graduate student with lived experience of borderline personality disorder. She donates her time to the Lived Experience Committee because she wants to share the gift of recovery with others. You can find her on LinkedIn.